93 and full of life...

oh look at me in my fancy car
and my bank account...
oh, how I wish I can take it all down
into my grave, God knows I saved and saved
Man, take a look again...take a look again
things you have collected, well in the end piles up
to one big nothing, one big nothing at all

Seek up by Dave Matthews

It's been 3 weeks since my last day at work...I have been busy doing research on my trip to Europe, enjoying time with friends and family, and admiring the summer heat changing it's course to a fall breeze. Yes, I have been watching each day go by with great appreciation of what great gift life is offering me every minute of last 3 weeks. Which makes me want to tell all of you about my grandmother of 93...still holding strong...but definitely in her winter years of her life.

Bok Soon...was her given name by her parents. She was born in Korea of course...she is a tiny woman...standing 5 flat on her best day. Don't let her size fool anyone...she is one hellacious...stubborn...yet most giving and thoughtful person I have ever known.

For the last 2 weeks of my unemployment, I have been instructed by my parents to escort my grandmother to see her doctor every Wednesday for the next 3 weeks. She is now old and frail as you can imagine. Once so strong...when I was young and mischievous, her stinging hand was the first across my backside with such force that even Muhammad Ali would have approved such brutal display of spankings. I used to come home to see her shoes in front of our home...and knew...I had to behave or I won't be sleeping on my backside for next couple nights. It's needless to say, she had a big hand in my childhood...no pun intended.

After her doctors appointment, she had requested for me accompany her in picking up several grocery items for her home. List was small, she wanted a 24 pack of water and a bag of rice. I had several conversations with her about life in general...she wasn't giving out any advice in how I should live out my life...but she listened to me...she took everything in...and she told me she is happy for everything that has lead me to being me. It was an signed and sealed approval from a woman that always always always disagreed with my behavior as a child. Granted, I was coming home after fighting kids in school...stealing candy from a store...coming home after curfew...various child like behavior I have presented to her during my adolescence. Her response, was the first time as long as I can remember, she looked at me in the eyes and was sincerely proud of my achievements as a human being. For a split moment, I held my head up high and proud...and for a brief moment...it was moment of profound happiness.

I walked her up to her apartment on the 12th floor of assisted living for elders. She now lives alone in her 600 SF apartment. She had her Animal Planet channel blasting as usual, since her hearing has gone wary. Before I had a chance to tell her my good byes, she sat me down in her 2 x 4 dinner table and advised me that I can not exit her home until lunch was served and until I had finished the last grain of rice on my plate.

Lunch was simple...Rice, Kim Chee, Fish...
It's always fish...I never figured out why...fish has been seasoned with salt...and probably has been sitting in her fridge for months...and it tasted like it too...
I grinned as I ate though. It was least I can do...and that's when it dawned on me...

She was married at a young age...it was common in Korea to be married by her teens in the 1920's...she had raised 6 healthy children...through...now think about this....Japanese occupation of Korea, the first great war, and the second great war in the pacific which directly resulted in General MacArthur's now famous In Chon landing. She fled the communist red army by foot with her children...still pregnant with my unborn father in her belly. This was survival...there was no formula for the baby...she didn't get a ticket for not having her kids in her car seat...there was no baby carriage...and god forbid she did not have a fancy crib made by Ethan Allen...this was survival...

Lunch with my grandmother was in silence...I just admired her as she prepped the stale fish... salty kimchee...she had taken care of my aunts, my uncles, and my father for years...and for the last 10 years or so...she was just taking care of her self...I think a little piece of her died the day she found out everyone has grown up...and they are now built to take care of themselves. After feeding her children...her grand children...for decades...she has found loneliness...in her last years... taking care of one person she has not looked after....herself.

I can see it in her eyes...she was genuinely in peace...she gloated during lunch...there were no words spoken...but the meal provided our conversation. Perhaps one last time, she had found peace...in giving....